The X-Men Present: Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland
by Claire's Demons
Summary: Parody of the Alice in Wonderland movie. Warning: may induce insanity. Anything you recognise belongs to someone else- even the format, which is property of Chellerbelle. R&R if this fic made you laugh, at least once. Or if you like cookies. (How could you not?)
1. Prologue

**Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland- Prologue**

**I already did the novel (and it was a great place to channel my insanity, too) and then I decided to write a parody of the movie after having seen its awesomeness for myself. Can't believe I didn't go watch it sooner. Here we go! Fingers crossed- let's hope this will be as funny and nutty as the novel adaptation.**

**Here's the teaser for my new parody: (I promise future chapters will be much, much longer)**

* * *

Through the gap between the door and the frame, one could clearly make out the silhouette of a man, pacing back and forth, his feet tapping out a steady beat against the expensive mahogany floor panels.

That man was Forge, an inventor. At that moment, he was busy trying to convince some fellow scientists to accept his idea for a new gadget.

'It is impossible,' declared Erik. 'Your idea cannot work!'

* * *

'Very classic,' said Wanda. 'Magneto putting people down. By the way, I sure hope I'm not his daughter.'

**Nope. You're someone much, much more important.**

* * *

Forge's rebuttal died on his lips as he caught sight of the little girl standing in the doorway. 'One moment, please.'

'Did you have the dream again?' he asked softly, and Wanda nodded.

* * *

'What? Forge's daughter- me?' asked Wanda incredulously.

**Well, the logical choice was Magneto, but Alice's father isn't supposed to be a diabolical, evil warlord with a bucket on his head and a cheesy red cape...**

While Magneto sputtered over this, Wanda nodded sagely.

* * *

As he tucked his daughter into bed, he asked, 'Same creatues this time round? The cat, the rabbit...'

'Hare,' corrected Wanda. 'A crazy hare. Yeah, they were all there, though the cat kept vanishing.'

A moment's pause, and then she added, 'Daddy... Do you think I'm going insane?'

* * *

'Going?' murmured Wanda, shooting her father a dirty look. 'The old man says I already was.'

* * *

He looked into her eyes solemnly. 'I'm afraid so, my dear. Bonkers. Nuts. Stark-raving mad. Absolutely bananas.'

* * *

'I think I know someone else like that.' Bobby glanced at the authoress.

* * *

A frown settled on Wanda's brow, until Forge continued, 'But let me tell you a secret- all of the best people are like that.'

An angelic smile brightened her face, and she drifted off to sleep, knowing that she'd sleep well that night.


	2. Chapter 1- Absolute Nonsense

**Chapter 1- Absolute Nonsense**

**Sporks, I can confidently say that you are the most awesome reviewer I've ever had! And the funniest! I watched it a few months ago, it was awesome, and the dude who voiced Bunny was Wolvie in the X-Men movies. Coincidence, yes?**

**Logan: IT'S WOLVERINE! **

**By the way, I'm ****_really _****sorry I haven't posted anything for, what, two months? What the fudge! I'm also sad to say that my updates are going to be rarer than a valid plot point in ****_Twilight_****. Thank you for your patience with me and I hope I'll see you all on Fanfiction soon!**

**Chapter titles will probably be refined soon.**

* * *

'Do we really have to go?'

Ororo sighed as her daughter asked that question for the fourteenth time.

'You know how snobbish the Lady is,' Wanda said, gazing at Ororo with imploring eyes.

'All she's going to be doing is chewing us out for not wearing the trendiest fashions to her oh-so-_important _gathering, in a way that will make her sound like a saint and cast us as a couple of poor devils.'

'The Lord Lensherr is an old family friend,' Ororo reminded her gently. 'And this is a rather important occasion; we simply cannot refuse the invitation. The Lady was quite… _insistent_ that we come. By the way, did you remember to wear your new stockings?'

'Of course I did, she'd have blown a fuse otherwise. _Wanda, dear, your parasol is simply ravishing. It's a pity your socks clash most horribly with them,_' Wanda imitated the Lady's nasal tone and felt a stirring of triumph as a faint grin passed over her mother's face. It was quickly chased away by a frown on her brow.

'Wanda,' said Ororo reprovingly. 'I know you well enough to tell when you're lying.'

'I left them at home,' Wanda admitted, knowing full well that the game was up. Then, seeing as she was already in trouble, she decided to just go all the way and added, 'On purpose.'

'You know it's proper for young ladies to wear them,' Ororo chastisied gently.

'Proper?' Wanda exclaimed. 'If 'proper' meant wearing a striped crocodile on your head, would you? By God, I swear, these fashion designers' odd tastes make no sense whatsoever!'

'That's not the point, dear.'

Wanda's eyes unfocused and became blank.

'If father were here, he'd laugh.'

* * *

As they ran towards their destination, they were greeted by a pair of frosty grey eyes.

'You're late,' came Raven Lensherr's cold voice. 'Hurry up, Wanda. My son's waiting to dance with you.'

* * *

'Damn,' hollered Mystique. 'I'm stuck with Magneto as a husband for the rest of this story. Do I even get paid to appear in this shoddy fairytale remake?!'

**For full access to Magneto's bank accounts- all of them-, we will cover your health and dental insurance. By that, I mean: if you don't show up for one day because you think you've got a slight itch in your throat, we are going to hunt you down and haul you back here kicking and cussing the heavens for your bad luck. And if you decide to have a tooth extracted, we shall have Wolverine randomly yank out one of your molars and pray that he's got it right. **

'…'

* * *

Wanda bit back a snappy retort and dashed off into the crowd.

'It's four already, Madame Ororo,' said Raven frostily, before gliding away on her expensive, custom-tailored heels that cost three years' of her husband's income to buy.

'You must excuse my wife,' said Erik Lensherr in a low voice. 'She's been planning this event for almost twenty years now.'

Ororo smiled wryly and turned to leave, but Erik stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

'My condolences for the passing of your husband,' he said. 'He was a very fine man. We all deeply regret his leaving. Madame, I was a fool not to believe in his ideals.'

Ororo regarded him with a cool look. 'He would have said so too.'

* * *

**BURN!**

* * *

'Where've you been?' hissed Warren Lensherr, grabbing Wanda's hand and dragging her into a dance.

* * *

Wanda growled. 'Hands off, pretty boy, before I hex you.'

* * *

'I hate this dance,' muttered Wanda, bowing and curtsying and swirling her skirts like someone she wasn't. All around her, young ladies were doing the same, moving fluidly in sync with their partners. The only difference was that they were actually enjoying the many _perks _of high society.

Out of pure instinct, she looked up and saw a flock of birds soaring in the sky. Fascinated by their grace and agility as they rode the winds, she watched them for a while, until she bumped into Warren.

'Have you completely lost your head?' he whispered, annoyed that they had been knocked off rhythm by her actions. A few heads turned in their direction.

'I was just wondering what it would be like to fly,' she got out as he whirled her around and around in a dizzy circle.

'Why dwell on the impossible?' he responded cynically, as Raven caught his eye and offered him a slight nod. Taking the cue, Warren bowed low to Wanda and said, 'My lady, meet me at the pavilion in exactly ten minutes. No more, no less, if you please.' He plastered a huge and totally fake grin on his face.

As he walked- no, more like swaggered- away, Wanda rolled her eyes at his phrasing. What was he planning to do should she arrive three seconds late? Stutter at her?

'Wandakins! How nice of you to show up!' the shrill cries were the only warning Wanda had before coming face to face with her least favourite cousins in the world- Kitty and Jubilation Chatalot.

* * *

'Do not call me Wandakins,' said Wanda in a dangerous voice.

'I wonder who's Cheshire this time?' Kitty broke the awkward silence first.

* * *

'It's Wanda,' she replied grumpily, as the twins beamed at her. 'You two know I didn't want to come.' She tried to escape but the two had her cornered against a trellis.

'But you have to! It's your engagement party!' squealed Jubes, making Wanda stop dead in her tracks.

* * *

'I WHAT?! _I WHAT?!_' roared Wanda. 'AUTHORESS! THIS HAD BETTER BE YOUR IDEA OF A BAD JOKE!'

'Uh, she's vanished,' squeaked Scott. 'Wait… why does my voice sound funny? It's so high-pitched… Like I'm-'

'Squeaking?' inserted Bobby with a guffaw.

Scott blanched.

'_What did you people do to me?'_

* * *

'Raven's been planning this since you and Warren were born,' supplied Kitty helpfully.

* * *

'I can't believe it,' fumed Remy. 'Another arranged marriage! Where's the freedom or justice in those?'

Rogue sighed. 'Don't mind him, he's still sore about Belladonna.'

* * *

'That's nuts,' growled Wanda.

Kitty giggled and said, 'Oh my gosh, I can't believe-'

Jubilee continued, '-He's actually gonna man up and do-'

'-It. Propose to you, under the-'

'-Pavilion! It's totally gonna be like so-'

And the pair said at the same time, 'Romantic!'

* * *

'Romantic, my foot!'

* * *

'Bloody hell,' breathed Wanda. 'I'm too young to marry, you gits.'

Kitty and Jubilee cast furtive glances at Aunt Belladonna, seated to one side in a flowing chiffon dress.

'You don't want to end up like Aunt Bella, do you?'

The family elder in question was something of a family legend. She had been a stunning young woman when she was younger, but that had been about 50 years ago. She'd turned down all of her suitors then, always on the lookout for the 'perfect man'.

Now she was close to seventy, and still she waited, while her good looks had gone to waste a long time ago.

'See how she lost all her beauty. Mama still remarks about how Bella went from belle of the ball to ageing and forgotten. You don't want to become like that.'

'No, no you don't,' agreed Jubes.

She opened her mouth to speak, but the sudden interruption of Raven's voice sliced through her words.

'A moment alone, Wanda. We need to talk.'

* * *

The adults in the room looked at each other pointedly. 'Ah, the four words no teenager wants to hear,' said Ororo.

* * *

'Why don't we have a walk in the gardens?' Raven asked pointedly, her body language and tone making it clear that it was an offer Wanda couldn't refuse. Kitty and Jubes could only watch as she firmly gripped Wanda's shoulder and led her away.

Once they were alone in the secluded gardens, Raven launched into a full-on lecture about her son's habits and whatnot, like she was _training _Wanda in how to be a good housewife. It was almost as if Wanda already had a diamond rock on her finger and everything was already finalised. There was no doubt about it now: Raven's head was stuck in her own little castle in the sky. She obviously hadn't considered the factor of Wanda's innate nature when planning the marriage. Wanda was not the type of girl to obediently accept her fate- without rebelling and scheming to slip out of the intangible net closing in around her, at least.

If there was anything Lady Lensherr needed to know, it was that Wanda had her own funny way of twisting reality- events always seemed to happen according to her will.

'Warren has some issues with indigestion, so his meals have to be prepared just right. The cook has a couple of recipes prepared for the dear boy. Just follow the instructions and you-'

'_Did you see that!'_ shouted the girl, nearly startling the older woman out of her wits as she grabbed Raven's arm and pointed towards a gap in the hedge.

'Oh, for the love of God!'

'Exactly!' said Wanda excitedly. 'You saw it too, didn't you?'

Raven drew herself up to her full height. 'How dare they!'

'What are you talking about?'

'I specifically told them I wanted the roses to be red, not white! White is such a pathetic-looking colour. Don't you think so?' she turned back to Wanda who was staring at her like she'd sprouted a couple of extra appendages.

That last line of Raven's had jolted something in Wanda's mind. It was like a melody she'd heard before, but now she couldn't place the tune. What was it? It was so familiar, yet every time she tried to reach for it, it _just about _eluded her grasp, darting away like the long-locked-up memory that it was.

Wanda put it out of her mind as she scrambled for a reply.

'But surely you must have seen it too.'

'Seen what exactly, dear?'

There was no way to explain that impossible creature Wanda had locked gazes with:

The blue rabbit with the amber eyes that had stared at her for the briefest moment before vanishing into the depths of the garden.


	3. Chapter 2- Underland

**Chapter 2- Underland**

**Because of Sporks' awesomeness, she gets a review-reply section all to herself! **

**I've been great, except for the Remy-voice in my head periodically popping out and offering me random bits of information ('****_You should not eat that cookie. It's like your 50th. You're gonna get fat!')_****.**

**YOU'RE A TWI-HATER TOO? Uff, finally! Someone who appreciates my pain! =_=**

**I think Kurt had one too many of Kitty's cupcakes. Mmm… cupcakes… Look what you've done, Wild Blue Yonder Boy! You've given me a craving for sugar!**

**Kurt: You ****_always _****have a craving for sugar.**

**True that.**

**ROGUE! REMY! KISS AND MAKE UP ALREADY! You two are grossing me out, and you're my OTP! Jeez!**

**Remy, don't pick on Sporks. If you do I shall grab a pitchfork and poke you with it.**

* * *

'Anyway, like I was saying, dear-'

'Zip it,' Wanda cheerfully informed a shell-shocked Raven, and dashed off after the cerulean rabbit.

* * *

'You go, me!'

* * *

Her heels tripped her up multiple times until she was so fed up, she ripped them off and chucked them deep into a bush where the Lensherr gardener was likely to find them someday and be very puzzled.

Somewhere along the way, she took a couple of wrong turns and found herself exiting the hedge maze next to Aunt Belladonna. 'Have you seen a bright blue bunny run by?' she asked frantically despite knowing that she must sound out of her mind.

The wizened old lady chuckled and murmured something that sounded like 'Ah, children these days! How vivid their imaginations are!'

It didn't seem like Wanda would be getting any help from that direction, so she rolled her eyes and ran off again. Passing by an alcove in the wall, a shocking sight presented itself to her. Her cousin's husband of 8 years, Bobby, was tangled up in the arms of a woman. Who wasn't his wife.

* * *

'Someone actually was desperate enough to marry _him?' _ Amara laughed loudly and added, 'That pitiful girl! I wouldn't want to be in her place.'

* * *

'Amara's going to _kill_ you,' Wanda yelled furiously. 'How could you do this to her?'

* * *

'AMARA'S GOING TO KILL THE AUTHORESS!'

**Whoa, when did you start talking in third person? I thought that was only Remy.**

'Stop- jumping around- and let me- _hit you!'_

**Hahahahaha, no.**

* * *

Bobby jumped at the sound of Wanda's voice and disentangled himself from the mystery girl. Paling, he didn't dare to look at Wanda.

It was vaguely funny to see him stutter and shake while trying to explain himself.

'You don't want Amara to find out, do you? She'll shoot the messenger! I-'

It was absolutely hilarious to slap him hard and storm off angrily while ignoring his cry of 'MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!'

Running away from it all, she dived through a hedge to avoid Kitty and Jubilee- crashing hard onto the ground.

When she finally looked up, she swore under her breath.

There was a whole crowd of richly dressed people before her. Warren was standing in the pavilion, glaring at her and glancing at Raven to await further instructions. Just like the mindless minion that he was.

'You're late,' he trilled loudly as she stumbled up the steps while trying not to step on the lace trimming of her poofy, princess, pompous, pathetically girly skirt.

'Well,' he began, nose twenty feet in the air. 'Wanda, today is an important day…'

She tuned out the rest, her attention focused on a sapphire caterpillar making its merry way up Warren's sleeve. She mentally cheered it on. _C'mon, crawl into his face and give him a good scare._

* * *

Kurt said, 'I pity the man marrying you.'

* * *

Warren appeared to have noticed the insect using his arm for exercise purposes, and hurriedly flicked it off. 'Right,' he continued, looking flustered. 'Wanda, will you marry me?'

There it was.

The romantic wedding proposal most little girls had dreamed off.

Except this wasn't romantic nor to her satisfaction at all.

'I…'

Everyone was watching her, waiting for the decision that would change lives.

'Um, I...'

Ororo smiled faintly and perhaps sadly at her.

'I… I need some time to think.'

All of them stood shocked as Wanda turned and ran away into the forest. Away from her troubles.

* * *

She struggled on and didn't look back. She was _afraid _to turn around and head back into the joke of a life she had.

The shadows in the woods played tricks on her eyes, and soon, she was hopelessly lost.

Lost… And falling down a rabbit hole she hadn't seen. It swallowed her up, the ground eating her whole.

Wanda screamed as the branches tore at her and the wind whipped her hair out of its bun.

Was there no end to her bad luck?

Falling further beneath the face of the earth, she felt herself blacking out from fear and the rushing sensation in her stomach.

It was only when she hit the ground hard that she woke up. Leaves crackled beneath her shoes as she navigated the dark corridor she'd landed in.

_I had too much champagne._

Never mind that she didn't drink alcohol.

'Oh my stars and garters! I'm late!'

That voice… She knew it from somewhere.

'Wait! Where am I and who are you?' she yelled.

Wanda ran in the direction of the disembodied voice, exiting the corridor and finding herself in a circular room with doors all around the walls. Whoever had spoken previously had vanished.

She ran to one and tried the lock, bruising her knuckles as she rapped them loudly against the wood. She moved to the next one and attempted to rip it from its hinges-

* * *

**Well, that sure escalated quickly.**

* * *

-but the wooden panel stubbornly refused to budge. Frantic, she threw her weight against it, kicked it, growled at it, and finally gave up, glaring hard at the door.

* * *

Pyro who'd finally stopped trying to light Jean's hair on fire cackled crazily and stated, 'Oh Wandakins, I love it when you get all angry! You're so cute when you're angry!'

* * *

It felt like some horror video game where she was trapped inside a vale of nightmares. There was no way out, as none of the doors would open. The dark tunnel she'd previously traveled through had completely vanished, leaving her stranded and questioning her sanity.

* * *

**Wanda's just perfect for the role, isn't she?**

* * *

After moping around for a while, a glass table presented itself to her when she turned around. How in the world did it appear there? She put the question out of her mind when she noticed a tiny golden key on the table, along with a vial of pale red liquid. In beautiful calligraphy inked on a note attached to the bottle's mouth were the words _Drink Me_.

'Taking a sip wouldn't hurt. This is only a dream, after all. Nothing permanent can happen to me here. Sooner or later I'll wake up, and I'll be in the real world again.'

You see, she thought she was asleep and having a supremely realistic lucid dream.

And so, a small amount of the drink went down her throat. Instantly, her world spun wildly around her and she sensed rather than saw everything else in the room grow in size. Stars flew in front of her eyeballs as the potion's effect began. Somehow, the slushy concoction had shrunk her. She was now smaller than the table leg.

Her dress had apparently chosen not to diminish with her, which was highly irritating, as she had to fight through the thick folds to escape from her own garment.

As it was only a dream, it shouldn't have surprised her that there was a new, smaller frock on her that was a perfect fit; nothing like the suffocating corset of her previous wardrobe.

Now that she was so petite, a golden door in the wall was clearly outlined to her.She was certain it hadn't been there before the incident with the beverage!

Examining its lock closely, Wanda realized that the key she'd seen on the glass table would probably fit there. Indeed, since it was a dream (or so she thought), it was probably meant to fit there as a means for her to escape.

Great plan, right? Fit through the door and head off to who knows where!

But the key was high up on the surface of the table, and she couldn't climb glass. It was so upsetting to see the key through the transparent material; yet be unable to retrieve it. She even tried moving it telepathically, since people are supposed to be able to do whatever they wanted in lucid dreams.

Wanda injured her nails trying to scrape her way up the slippery ramp.

Voices behind her murmured, 'There! That's the right Wanda!' **(1)**

'You _idiot_! That's not her!'

'What are you talking about, you _deluded dodo?'_

'You're completely wrong, you blundering baboon!'

'QUIET!' the first person said angrily. 'She's going to hear us!' But, too engrossed in her own troubles, Wanda never did.

There was simply no way out. Her own carelessness had trapped her even more.

She decided to close her eyes and spin around in a circle, just to see if something helpful would pop out again. Her instincts were spot-on; a slice of cake was suddenly lying on the floor conveniently close to her. It was about the right size for her to eat, too. Therefore, she took a bite and felt the dizzying sensation again as she grew and her petticoat ripped. As before, after she'd finished the transformation (now with her head pressed to the ceiling), a new dress appeared on her.

This time, she made sure that the key was right beside the door before gulping down the entire bottle and becoming the right size to fit through it.

'I'm wasting so much fabric on these,' she muttered, looking around for the torn clothes- which had, not too surprisingly, disappeared.

Finally, at long last, she went through the door and left the rabbit hole far, far behind her.

Grass blades crackled under her feet as she cautiously stepped out into a brand new world. It looked like something out of a fairytale, albeit one that seemed eerily familiar and surreal. The skies were light blue and cloudless, the perfume of jasmine was thick in the air and there was an ethereal beauty about the whole place.

Flowers the same height as her swayed gently in the wind. Wanda walked on, wondering when it would all end and strangely feeling sad that it was only a dream.

Despite it not being real, she still suffered quite a shock when the navy blue rabbit that had fascinated her so previously popped out from the ground with a tiny dormouse in tow. The cute little creature was also blue and had the same topaz-hued eyes.

* * *

**Kurt the Dormouse is surprisingly very cuddly- you may awwww now. A pity there wasn't a female dormouse role; maybe Kitty could've- okay, I geddit, I'll shut my trap now. Don't give me that look, young lady, I wholeheartedly support the Kurt and Kitty pairing! See this bumper sticker over here? Yeah, it says I HEART KURTTY! **

'No, it's actually We Heart Vanessa **(2)**.'

**Um… okay. Hey, you see those clouds out there? The big one on the left kind of looks like Toad doing the splits while wearing glasses.**

* * *

Waddling- yes, really, waddling- across the soft soil were two dull-looking humanoids wearing black-and-white striped overalls and not seeming very bright. These two were Lance and Duncan, notorious for having the family traits of being rotund and argumentative with each other. Not very welcoming personalities, but their personal battles with each other were occasionally highly amusing due to the odd language and insults they used.

Heading along the path with a rather dour expression on her face was Rogue, a dodo bird-

* * *

Aforementioned bird- hem, hem- narrowed her eyes and willingly passed out her evil look to anyone who chuckled at this. The room was silenced at the uplifting and warm sight of Rogue's oh-so-sunny scowl. Kitty let out a small _meep _when trying to keep from giggling. Meanwhile, the authoress was roflcoptering (Rolling On The Floor Laughing And Spinning) frantically, but no one cared because she's Loki and-

**You know what, never mind. I really should stop picking the fourth wall into itty little bits now.**

* * *

A _blue_ dodo bird (I sense a theme here). Once again, when Wanda looked at her, she was fairly certain she knew these people/creatures/whatever, but she just couldn't remember anything.

The second they caught sight of Wanda, they rushed her and she jumped back as Rogue flapped her wings loudly, crying out, 'THERE SHE IS! We finally found you, damn it-'

The rabbit shushed her as the plump twins watched curiously and perhaps cautiously.

'How do you do, Miss-?'

'Wanda.'

'Ah,' the rabbit's expression changed slightly. 'You may call me Hank.'

Lance muttered something into Hank's ear. He was shooed away and the rabbit glared at him.

Rogue poked Wanda with her beak.

'Well, are you ready? Underland isn't getting any safer, you know.'

Wanda's reply was to raise an eyebrow and stare blankly at her. Underland? Wasn't it Wonderland? And wait, where had that piece of information come from?

'Come on, it's time to slay the Jabberwocky! Off with its head, as the crazy queen would say!' the bird said in a bitter voice. Hank's whiskers twitched and the mood instantly changed. It was darker, angrier, with an undercurrent of sorrow and regret.

Still clueless, Wanda was the first to break the tension. 'Listen, if you don't mind, I'm just going to pinch myself repeatedly on the cheeks and hope that I'll wake up.' This caused a shock among the other creatures.

'Surely you don't think this is a dream?' asked Hank.

'It has to be. I mean, come _on! _How can any of this be real?'

Lance muttered into his twin's ear very audibly, 'See, I told you so. It's not her.'

To which he was replied with this lovely phrase, 'Shut up.'

'Well, there's only one thing to do,' Rogue muttered. 'Come along, you. We're going to see old Charles. He should know what to do with you, Little Miss Identity Crisis.'

* * *

**Sorry if the whole getting-through-the-door part bored you to tears. I ran out of insanity to squander on this chapter -_- nevertheless, enjoy. Kind of.**

**(1) This sounds so wrong. **

**(2) My House Captain WOOHOO! Sorry for the confusion**


	4. Chapter 3- The Race Is On

**Chapter 3- The Race Is On**

**Sporks:**

**I didn't know Alex was as 'innocent' as his brother. Bwahaha. I shall have fun torturing him.**

**A general note to everyone: yes, I know my chapter titles suck, no need to point that out. Chill, dudettes. Let the Zen flow through you... This message brought to you, and sponsored by, Canon- delighting you always. **

* * *

Wanda was dragged across the grass yelling and kicking (well, as best as she could with the bloody tight skirt). Rogue had her beak clamped around Wanda's wrist and both were struggling wildly. Wanda's hair was a mess and Rogue's feathers were all ruffled. The latter was extremely ferocious, hollering about the Jabberwocky and something that sounded like 'vorpal blade'.

'Calm down!' demanded Beast.

'Yeah, I'll escort her to Absolem,' piped up Duncan.

'Who IS Absolem, anyway?' asked Wanda, still not sure of what was going on.

'He's wise, he's absolute. He's Absolem,' said both twins at once. One of them- she couldn't tell them apart- took her left hand while the remaining boy took her right. In that way, the procession made it across the field to this 'Absolem' that had them all in a tizzy. All the while, both argued about who would escort her. Beast resolved this debacle by snapping, 'You can both go!'

Even _he _couldn't stand the two dolts.

Colorful flowers that towered over them glared impressively down at the crowd. A dormouse in medieval armor ran along after them, squeaking, 'Look! An imposter pretending to be Wanda!'

'Shut up, Kurt,' said Rogue irritably.

* * *

Kurt's eye was twitching. Kitty's squeal of 'Aww, how cute!' didn't help matters.

* * *

They passed through fields of tall grass and came to a blue mist. A blue caterpillar was smoking a blue pipe and was sitting on a mushroom that was oh-so-surprisingly blue.

'Absolem?' she asked.

'You're not Absolem, I'm Absolem,' the insect huffed and puffed on his hookah.

* * *

**Captain O saves the day again!**

* * *

'Or, more precisely, Absolem Charles Francis Xavier.'

This was a caterpillar not to be trifled with, apparently.

The rabbit spoke urgently. 'Absolem, we need you to resolve an issue for us. Is this the real Wanda- our savior?'

Absolem raised an eyebrow, taking another drag of his pipe.

* * *

'The way he's practically inhaling those cigars- literally-, he's going to catch lung cancer,' exclaimed Pyro in undisguised glee. 'And then, the old man will die, and we can take over his broken-down house and rule the world! With fire! I'll rule the world with… _with_… _WITH_ FIRE!'

**I ****_totally _****did ****_not_**** see THAT coming. -_-**

* * *

'Unroll the Oraculum,' ordered the insect, and other animals scrambled to fetch a yellowed parchment scroll and unroll it on a mossy rock.

'It's a calendar,' Wanda decided, the long folds of the paper rolling off the boulder and over the grassy field. One could not blame her for thinking so, because it appeared that every single day in Wonderland had been meticulously depicted on the Oraculum. It was with unease that she noted the executions and murders of recent days; the land was getting bloodier and bloodier.

'Compendium,' corrected the crowd in unison.

Kurt pointed to one of the most recent sketches in the whole papyrus. 'There's you, killing the Jabberwocky. Off with its head, as _she_ would have said.' The word 'she' was pronounced with venom Wanda didn't expect from such a lovable, fluffy little creature.

* * *

Kurt was already hunched up in his seat, looking disconcerted with his portrayal, while Kitty teased him about it.

* * *

'And that sharp stick is the Vorpal Blade- dunno how you'll get it, though, Mirana had it stolen long ago…'

'If it ain't Vorpal-' started Duncan.

'-It ain't dead,' finished his brother.

Wanda's fingers skimmed the scratchy material as she studied it closely. A girl with a mass of wavy hair appeared to be taking down a gigantic, beastly monster with fangs and wings, giving it the appearance of a mutated dragon.

She laughed.

'You think that's me? I'm telling you, you have it all wrong. This is just a dream, and I'll wake up any moment now. I always do. Then I'll go back to living my life and I'll forget all about this.'

'Need some help?' Kurt snarled, waving his sword around. He didn't like this 'fake Wanda, and he was certain that she was not the chosen one destined to rescue his home from the darkness it had been consumed by.

* * *

**Yeah, she can't be 'the chosen one'. She doesn't even have a lightning scar on her head.**

Cue mass facepalm by members of the audience.

* * *

'Yes, please. OW!' Wanda grimaced at the sharp pain in her ankle, as Kurt wrenched his blade in deep. 'Thanks,' she said, waiting for the curious creatures and odd landscape to fizzle away and for the real world to once again appear before her eyes. It didn't.

Absolem put away his hookah with deliberate slowness, inching back into his rather comfortable home. Beast, having noticed these actions, hastily shouted out his last question before the wise insect vanished completely:

'WAIT! Is she Wanda, or not?'

'Not hardly,' was the riddle-like reply he received, and clouds of blue smoke rings hid Absolem from view.

Kurt, even more incensed than ever, crazily jumped up and down while shaking his fist. Unfortunately for him, due to his appearance and size, this seemingly angry gesture only served to make him even cuter than before.

* * *

**Aww! How sweet! Don't you just want to adopt Kurt-the-dormouse and bring him home?**

* * *

'I TOLD YOU!' he roared in a voice that was disproportionate to his build. 'She's a shameless fake! BAN HER FROM UNDERLAND!'

Some of the others nodded in agreement, few of them seemed to want to defend Wanda, and most of them were still staring at the Oraculum in wonder.

Wanda wondered what she should do.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a sudden rumbling of the ground, as if an earthquake was starting up. However, by the reactions of the Wonderland (Underland?) inhabitants, it was much worse than a simple shifting of the earth.

'The Red Army is here!' hollered a magenta flamingo with red and black eyes before it half-fainted in fear.

* * *

'You get sick, sadistic pleasure out of turning us into comic relief, don't you?' Remy looked as bothered as Kurt obviously was.

**Need you even ask? Hehe.**

* * *

Everyone scattered to the four corners of the area, running in separate directions- running for their very lives.

When Wanda turned around, she realized that it wasn't hard to figure out the source of their fear.

Swarms- there was no other word for it- of living, walking playing cards were overturning the whole place, uprooting plants just for the fun of it and stabbing the flying toys Wanda had seen earlier. It didn't help matters that they were all armed to the teeth, either. Spears, swords, wickedly sharp blades, staves, bows and arrows, battleaxes, hammers- they had it all.

And the worst part? Their leader, an uncontrolled, wild thing that trampled everything underfoot and was the source of the ground shaking. It was huge, and had white fur all over its body. It was one of the most feared monstrosities all over the land- an atrocity called Logan, that was in faithful service to the Red Queen.

* * *

Logan groaned and popped his claws out, punching a hole in one of the walls.

**Hope you're feeling better! Do feel free to demolish more of the house if you want to! It's all coming from Remy's endless bank account anyway.**

'WHAT!'

* * *

Wanda's eyes widened in horror, and she merely stood there, unable to move.

'What are you doing!' squealed Kurt. 'Are you insane? FLEE!'

The shrill worry in his voice prompted her to come to her senses and _run. _

They witnessed Rogue being shepherded into a corner and even as they attempted to pull her to safety, the card soldiers' weapons kept them at bay. A heavy net was thrown over Rogue's head and the panicked flamingo Wanda had seen earlier was heard screaming Rogue's name and fiercely fighting through the red ranks; desperately trying to reach her. The other, however, was screaming, 'Remy, you idiot! SAVE YOURSELF!'

* * *

'Aww,' rang through the room several times.

'Kiss!' cried Kitty. 'Or I'll… Get Kurt to haunt you with his most epic pranks!'

No matter how hard Rogue made her expression, she still couldn't hide her blush or the smile that showed through her eyes.

* * *

Wanda and Kurt ran on through the woods, the sound of Logan's footsteps getting frighteningly loud.

'You go on,' she said, suddenly stopping. 'Leave me.'

'What?!'

'This is only a dream. Nothing can hurt me…' She turned to face what would surely have been her demise. 'He can't injure me, and sooner or later, I'll wake up.'

'Are you still going on about that? Right now, we need to get out of here!'

Seeing that the stubborn girl wouldn't move, he decided to take things into his own hands and be the hero for once.

While Wanda stared down her death in the face- you just had to admit her foolish bravery-, Kurt clung to the beast's fur and made his way up its face. It didn't notice, too busy getting ready to crush the girl stupidly standing in its way.

But it sure as hell _noticed _Kurt when he lifted his tiny dagger up high and brought it down deep into its eye.

Chaos erupted as the beast started flailing around in agony, accidentally wounding some of the oblivious cards as he thrashed about.

Wanda's instincts snapped her awake, and she could only thank Kurt feebly as her mind tried to process the shock of it all.

The pair, taking advantage of Logan's distraction, began to further pursue their escape- but not until Logan had whipped around and sank its claws into Wanda's arm. She screamed as the tormenting pain of the blow ripped through her, and she swore her open wounds were on fire.

Kurt tugged at her skirt, and she struggled to proceed with their flight, cradling her injured limb to her chest and wishing for her ordeal to end quickly.

Kurt caught sight of his friends being dragged away by the brutal enemies, 'I have to save them! You must carry on by yourself. I'm sorry, Wanda, but no harm will come to you anyway, since you aren't even supposed to be here in Underland.' He charged the card warriors, holding his sword (that was actually a pin) up high, ready for battle. 'Run deep into the woods. Try to find the White Queen. I don't know how you think you're going to escape our world, but at least seek sanctuary with White.' Then he left her to go after the others.

'Are they gone?' came two distinct voices from behind. Lance and Duncan left their hiding place- an acacia bush- and walked towards Wanda. 'What now?' they asked solemnly at the same time.

She grabbed their hands and led them further down the lane, away from the thugs rioting and causing disturbance.

They traversed the garden-like landscape and came to a barren plain with a signpost planted there firmly.

'This way!' declared Lance, pulling on one of Wanda's arms. 'We must head east to Queast!'

'No!' argued his brother. 'South to Snud!'

Wanda, knowing full well that they could spend forever quarrelling about such a minor issue was about to interrupt them when something else did.

A gigantic, feathered creature that looked like a bird swooped down from the sky on powerful wings and snatched the two siblings up with its talons. Then it just flew away, right there and then, while Wanda screamed at it.

'Great,' she muttered darkly, watching the bird fly away to goodness knows where with her only companions.

Meanwhile, at the end of the bird-monster's flight path, stood a castle.

Not just any ordinary fortress either, but a massive and majestic structure, one that occupied the land for miles and miles. You could see the top of its highest watchtower even from an exceedingly large distance. This was the home of the Red Queen, Jean, but now more commonly referred to as Phoenix due to her rather fiery temperament.

* * *

'If I happen to be a crazy overlord who enjoys cutting people's heads off,' Jean said with a straight face, 'Can yours be the first to fall?'

* * *

At that moment, her adoring and very ugly courtiers were gathered in her throne room, with a row of frog footmen standing at attention, waiting for their Queen.

When she arrived, they all knew it, because her appearance was announced by her shrill voice.

'SOMEONE STOLE MY TARTSSSSSS!'

The nearest frog winced at the deafening shriek.

Jean's heels clacked on loudly on the marble floor as she inspected the frog-men one by one. Every now and then, like the odd creature that she was, she would pause to ask one of her minions- ahem- this question: 'Did you steal my tarts?'

'No, Your Majesty.'

'Did _you _steal my tarts?'

'No, Your Majesty.'

'And what about you? Did you steal my tarts?'

* * *

**'Of course I did, deal with it.'**

* * *

The unfortunate amphibian swallowed in obvious fear before replying hoarsely, 'No, Your Majesty.'

She'd reached the end of the line, and paused for a moment with her bulbous head facing away from the frightened servants.

Then, very slowly and tortuously, she turned around, and singled out one of them with her eyes. Bending down so that they were at eye level, her voice was a mere whisper as she repeated her question.

'Did you… Steal my tarts?'

Beads of sweat were pouring down his face and into his suit jacket.

'No… Your Majesty.'

She put a finger forward and languidly wiped a smear of jam from his mouth. Then she tasted it, and smiled cruelly.

'Hmm… Strawberry.'

The missing pastries had been made with the finest _strawberry _jam.

Her smile widened as she took in the frog's change of expression. He had been suffering from stifling uneasiness, but now, he was plain terrified out of his skin.

The whole room watched with bated breath as they waited for her verdict. She'd set herself up as both judge and jury, and now- executioner.

'OFF WITH HIS HEAD!'

The frog started to cry, falling to his knees and begging for mercy. 'Why won't you spare me!' he wailed. 'Please- I have little ones to feed, and a wife too, and I was just so hungry! I couldn't resist! _Please have mercy, my Queen!_'

As the whimpering critter was dragged away in chains, Jean commanded one of her lieutenants, 'Go to his house and take his little ones. As much as I love caviar on toast, tadpoles are even better.'

It was at this moment, that the giant doors banged open once more, and the Knave of Hearts strode in. His name was Nathaniel Essex, and he had been the one who'd ordered Logan and the army's attack on the lower divisions of Underland.

'Nathan!' cried Jean, and she rushed towards him.

* * *

Scott didn't look very pleased.

**It's alright, Scotty, just remember that in this story, Jean is actually Phoenix and she's clinically unwell anyway…**

* * *

'I have returned from the battle,' he declared grandly. 'And I am proud to declare that we have won.'

* * *

'Yes, won,' snapped Rogue. 'More like you freaking trapped people in nets and shot helpless flamingoes in the head!'

* * *

'Excellent, excellent!'

'There are bad news, however. Wanda- yes, _the _Wanda- has returned to Underland.'

He pulled out the Oraculum, which he'd somehow managed to steal in the midst of battle. Letting the whole thing overflow onto the floor, he showed Jean the picture of the Frabjous Day- the day when Jean's beloved Jabberwocky would be slain by Wanda, the White Queen's champion.

'I'd recognize that tangled mass of curls anywhere,' she said softly, in her most dangerous tone of voice. 'Send a party out to find her and bring her back to me- dead, or alive. Do whatever you can to stop her. Kill her, if you must.'

The cold rage in her voice meant that the matter at hand was very serious indeed.

'Go, and don't return without the girl,' snarled Jean in fury.

After so much hard work to take Underland's crown, she would _not _let a mere girl stand in her way.

Wanda had no idea _what exactly_ was hunting her.


	5. Chapter 4- Dancing With Your Doom

**Chapter 4- Dancing With Your Doom**

**Sporks:**

**Yes, yes, Jean, I know you hate your role, but I for one find it amusing. Can't you just see the wonderful possibilities in being the hysterical Red Queen? You get to slaughter people and cut off their heads! And no, I am not among those people!**

**Jean: I wouldn't be so sure…**

**Duncan?! WHAAAAAA. I must find a way to bring you together with Scott! Be it matchmaking or good ol' torture, I shall prevail! D: Didn't you see what I did to Rogue and Remy?**

**Sup, Eddie. Welcome to the insanity and enjoy your stay!**

* * *

Essex rushed to the courtyard, calling to his officers to ready some horses. He released a bloodhound named Hellion, locking his leash to his steed and commanding the dog to find Wanda. 'You know her scent,' growled the knave. 'She was here just a few years ago, and we all know how good a bloodhound's memory is.'

The canine looked up at him pleadingly.

'_Yes, _we'll give you your freedom back, if you carry out this one small errand for us.'

'And my wife and pups too?' the dog asked. Essex nodded, and a renewed determination shone in Hellion's eyes as he took off in a certain direction, tracking his prey.

Essex watched with a cruel smirk as the dog led his search team away to their victim. 'Dogs will believe anything, won't they?' snorted his horse.

While this ruckus was going on, Wanda was stumbling through some dark patches of trees she'd somehow wound up in. Her arm was killing her. It simply refused to stop bleeding, and she had to rip off a strip of her dress to bandage it.

The spooky environment played tricks on her eyes, and for one moment, she swore she saw a cat stalking through the dark branches.

It was no illusion of the eye. The next moment, said cat actually jumped out at her with a huge grin that didn't seem to go away.

'Aah!' Wanda gasped. It didn't stop grinning, but merely said in a bored tone of voice, 'It looks like you ran afoul of something with rather wicked claws. What did that to you?'

'They called him Logan, and said something about a red queen.' She was beginning to feel faint from the blood loss.

'Him!' The ghostly cat suddenly disappeared from her sight and re-materialized behind her. 'Well, I must certainly have a look at it.' Examining her injury, he _tsked _to himself. 'Not good… This must be purified by someone with evaporating skills. Otherwise, it will fester and putrefy- and trust me, you do not want that to happen, given the current state of the land.'

'I'd rather you don't. After all, I'll be fine as soon as I wake up.'

It shrugged. 'At least let me bind it for you, then.'

Wanda obediently held her arm out and the cat bound it more tightly with a piece of fabric. 'What do you call yourself?' he asked her.

'Wanda.'

'_The _Wanda?'

'Well, there's been quite some debate about that.

'Humph. I never get involved in politics. Well, anyway, where do you want to go now?'

'I don't know. But it shouldn't really matter, should it?'

'Maybe I should take you to the gang. They will know what to do with you- real Wanda or not.'

'Wait, what? Take me to who?'

It laughed at her as if she had asked a very stupid question. 'Just come along. You need somewhere to go, don't you? They won't do you any harm. In fact, they'll probably be quite glad to see you.' This somewhat suspicious speech was accompanied by a little chuckle, as if there was some inside joke Wanda had not been let in on.

Having nowhere else to go, Wanda followed the cat as it floated along in a certain direction.

'What's your name, by the way? What are you? And how do you keep vanishing into thin air?'

'Inquisitive, aren't you? I'm Pietro the only Cheshire Cat in all of Underland, and evaporating is what I do best, my dear.'

* * *

'Pietro the most annoying Cheshire Cat in all of Underland, you mean?' Wanda asked irritably.

'I love you too, sis!'

'Shut. Up.'

* * *

The pain in her arm having lessened, Wanda followed Pietro to a gigantic tea table. Squashed towards one corner were three odd figures, one of them being very familiar- it was Kurt the angry dormouse. 'YOU!' he shouted in a shrill voice when he spotted Wanda, turning his companions' attentions towards her. They, however, had significantly different reactions.

A long-eared hare laughed madly. It had wild eyes and a maniacal, unstable look about it. This was the famed, and totally insane Deadpool the March Hare. Crooning a song into his cucumber sandwich, he stared vacantly into thin air. Every now and then, a twitch would run through his body.

But it was not this peculiar figure that Wanda was staring at. It was the other person, sitting at the very end of the table and beaming at her. He had a head of bright orange hair and the same insane air about him that the others had. A top hat adorned with a wide red ribbon perched atop his head, and his green eyes seemed very bright against the paleness of his skin.

'You're terribly late, you know!' he cried to her.

Why did she have a strange sense of déjà vu whenever she looked at him?

'Don't you remember me?'

'Why should I? This is but a dream.'

'And she's a fake, too,' added Kurt slightly viciously.

The man with the hat chuckled at this. 'Nonsense! You're absolutely Wanda, I'd know you anywhere. I'd know her anywhere!' This last part was addressed to his companions, with another bout of demented giggles.

'You're all late for tea!' roared Deadpool, throwing his teacup at Wanda, who ducked and it smashed into pieces against the tree trunk behind her.

* * *

Deadpool actually began to chuck teacups and kettles at everyone in the room, prompting a mass evacuation because nobody wanted to deal with him.

He only calmed down when a giant vat of cheese emptied itself on his head and vanished in a shower of sprinkles and rainbows.

* * *

'Don't remember me? Why, I'm Pyro the Mad Hatter. Does that ring a bell, now?'

* * *

'Oh shiiii-' Wanda buried her face in her hands.

**Aw, come on, he's not that bad. I could've brought ****_Toad _****into this story, y'know. In fact, since you are so extremely repulsed by St. John, maybe I should…**

'Don't you dare! For the last time, I will not date Pyro, not matter how badly you want me to!'

* * *

'Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?'

'What?'

The trio laughed raucously.

'_Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid_!' giggled Pyro.

'Down with the bloody big head,' explained Kurt, who appeared to be the most sane of them all.

'Off with _her_ head, then!' snapped Pyro. 'May her blood stain the Earth, just as that of her victims' did! But what about you, Wanda? When shall the head of the Jabberwocky roll?'

Pietro groaned, and slammed his cup down on the table. 'All this talk of blood and falling heads is putting me off my tea. Can't we talk about something more pleasant, such as the Futterwacken? You used to do the best Futterwacken in all of the land!'

'How amazing. The world's falling to pieces and the poor cheshire cat is off his tea. Maybe you should leave, then, like you always do,' Pyro replied quietly. One could feel the silent rage beginning to gather around him. 'But, I must make this clear: when the Frabjous Day arrives and the crown once again rests on the White Queen's head, then I shall Futterwacken… Vigorously.'

* * *

'Yes, do go on, shoot a fireball at my brother and burn his fur off or something.'

* * *

'It was _not _my fault,' said Pietro slowly. 'You made it out alive, didn't you?'

Pyro rose from his seat, his emerald orbs beginning to take on a yellow tint. 'Not _your _fault? Not your fault? You left us to DIE, you miserable, flea-infested, mangled, shrunken little-'

* * *

'I have very interesting insults,' noted Pyro.

* * *

Kurt had to intervene before Pyro would calm down. 'Hatter!' he barked, and Pyro quietened immediately, his eyes turning back to normal.

'Hatter!' Deadpool also shouted. 'What? _He_ was doing it too,' he said innocently when everyone looked at him quizzically. Then he looked at his watch and exclaimed, 'It's tick, tick, ticking again! Oh no! I've dipped it into my tea too many times! It's dead now! _Ahh! Hatter! My watch has stopped working! _This is the END of the WORLD!'

* * *

**And _this, _children, is what we call an overreaction.**

* * *

He then proceeded to collapse on the table, whimpering sadly. Deadpool was then ignored.

* * *

The actual Wade Wilson also began to cry on a table. 'How could you? Why would you ignore me? You broke my heart, you cruel, cruel person!'

* * *

'Still, you're here alive and well, aren't you?'

'Pietro…' The warning in Kurt's tone was hard to miss. Pyro looked as though he was considering raging at Pietro again, but then, the sound of urgent footsteps in the distance alerted them all. 'The Knave!' hissed Kurt in horror. 'He's the one who ordered Red's army to take my friends!'

Wanda was in deep trouble. She knew the Knave must be looking for her, and it was most likely because of her that Kurt's companions had been kidnapped.

Pyro offered her a goblet full of some clear potion. 'Drink this, quickly!' As soon as the liquid hit her throat, she felt herself shrinking again, and soon she was small enough for Pyro to stuff her into a teapot.

* * *

'You try doing that again, I'll hex you into a toad and shove _you _into a teapot.'

'I love you too, Wanda darling!' Pyro exclaimed in glee.

'I swear, it's like he doesn't even understand what I'm saying…'

* * *

'Let me out!' she cried, before she realized that he was trying to hide her from their enemies.

'Well, well, if it isn't my favourite trio of lunatics,' she heard a silky voice say. The implications behind the words made her shudder. It sounded like the famed Knave she'd been hearing so much of had finally made an appearance.

'We're looking for the girl called Wanda. You should remember her, dear hatter. Wasn't she quite a dear to you? It wouldn't be good for you if _something _were to happen to her.'

The threat in his message was hard to miss.

'Speaking of the Queen, here's a little song we used to sing in her honour: Twinkle, twinkle little bat! How I wonder where you're at! Up-' sang Pyro merrily.

The other two had joined in, but abruptly stopped when Essex wrapped his hands around Pyro's throat and squeezed.

* * *

'Don't you dare touch him,' Wanda gritted out.

* * *

'If you're hiding her, you'll all lose your heads,' snarled Essex.

'Already lost them,' panted Pyro. 'Altogether now, boys!'

'Up above the world so high, like a tea-tray in the sky…'

'Idiots!' shouted Essex, releasing Pyro and stomping away angrily.

'Let's take-take her to the White Queen, she'll be safe- spork! Oh my butterscotch! It's a spork, Pyro! It's a freaking spork! Oh my God! I LOVE SPORKS!' exclaimed Deadpool, staring at said object in fascination and examining his reflection in the shiny metal. He had a tendency to be easily distracted by other objects.

* * *

**Sporks are indeed awesome :D**

* * *

As the Knave walked away, all four at the tea-table breathed a sigh of relief. That is, until Hellion sneaked up on them from under the table.

His eager nose sniffed at the teapot Pyro was holding.

'_Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid._'

For one terrifying moment, it seemed like the dog was about to give them away- and then, he nodded to Pyro, and retreated; cleverly dashing off somewhere else to detour the soldiers.

'You're all mad!' called Essex.

'Thanks very much!' Deadpool screamed back. 'Want some scones to take before you go? They're made from the finest jam, you know! You can't possibly resist _jam, _can you?'

* * *

**Scones? With jam? I'll have some! Hooray for food! Food, oh glorious food, I worship thee!**

* * *

'Good job!' said Kurt to Pyro. 'I always knew Hellion was one of us!'

Pyro opened up the pot's lid and was about to retrieve Wanda, before he suddenly remembered something, and said a harried apology to Wanda before tearing off a strip of cloth from his hat and fashioning it into a dress for her. 'Try this on,' he told her, and she changed clothes for what seemed like the millionth time that day.

* * *

**That IS around the average number of times some teenage girls change clothes in one day.**

* * *

Newly clothed, she emerged from her cramped nook. 'Where do I have to go now? What am I supposed to do?'

She felt like she was traversing a maze blinded, with no idea of what she had to do.

'We go to Mamoreal,' said Pyro. 'And rendezvous with the White Queen.'

They walked along a nonexistent path in a dusky forest, Pyro murmuring some prose under his breath.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves, did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe.'

'What was that?' she asked, as she balanced on his hat. They'd both agreed that it was the best way for her to travel.

'What was _what_?' he replied, his voice hard.

'The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame, jaws that bait and claws that catch. Beware the Jabberwock, my son, the frumious Bandersnatch. He took his vorpal sword in hand; the vorpal blade went snicker-snack. He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back. It's all about you, you know,' he said to Wanda.

'Well, I'm not slaying anything, so put that notion out of your mind.'

'… Mind?'

He shocked her by lifting her from his hat and putting her down on a nearby rock- and then, he walked away.

'Wait! Pyro! You can't leave me here!'

* * *

'Yeah, I'll kill you if you leave me to die in the middle of nowhere!'

* * *

'You don't slay,' he repeated. '_You don't slay. _Have you any idea what the Red Queen has done?'

His voice was harsh, and his eyes were that eerie gold again.

'I can't slay, even if I wanted to. I don't have the ability, or the Vorpal sword, or _anything_.'

Pyro stared sadly at her.

'You're not the same as you were before...'

'Before?'

'You used to be much more muchier. You've lost your muchness.'

'My muchness?'

'In there,' he said, pointing to her heart.

'What did the Queen do to you?'

_Flashback_

'I used to be royal jester to the White Queen's court. Members of my clan have always been highly regarded by White's family.

It was an afternoon of fun, or at least, it was supposed to be…

Then, _they _arrived.

They burned down everything to ashes, and ripped the crown from White's head. She screamed, helpless; for as much as she'd have wanted to slay them all for destroying her life, it was against her vows to harm any living creature.

There was nothing she could do as the red Queen's army took everything, and left us with only fiery destruction.

I was lost. My whole life, I was supposed to be just a hatter and an entertainer. Where would I go? Out into the world, beyond the walls of the only home I'd ever had?

I used to have friends and a family. Red had taken them all from me, merrily slaughtered them all- and now, here I am, plotting my revenge and waiting for the day when White will finally regain her rightful throne. Her very Vorpal Sword was taken from her, and once we get it back, it will mark the eng of Red's psychotic reign.

The day that Underland will be set free. The day when you, Wanda, will slay Red's precious Jabberwocky.'

* * *

'Wow, John, didn't know you were one for overly dramatic speeches,' remarked Rogue. 'And maybe it wasn't such a good idea to bring Deadpool into all this…?'

Indeed, because he was running around waving a couple of swords and hollering _Amazing Grace _at the top of his lungs.

**Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound!**

… And he wasn't the only one.

* * *

Wanda's head was sunken in grief and sympathy for Pyro's loss. Now she understood why exactly he'd been so bitter, and hurt.

'Pietro was there, but he ran out on us. Disappeared in a puff of smoke, and never came back to help or even check on the situation. He's a coward, that's what he is.'

* * *

Pietro laughed sarcastically as he zipped around the room. 'And you're a sappy idiot.'

The next moment, he was looking down at himself and wondering why he'd suddenly turned into a cockroach.

* * *

Shouts rang through the trees suddenly- Hellion's distraction tactics had finally begun to fall apart.

The only thing they could do? Run. Run like the wind. That is, until they came to a huge lake with no end in sight. 'This is where we part,' Pyro said solemnly, taking his hat off and placing Wanda on it.

'Your carriage, milady. Fairfarren!'

Wanda, having realized what he was going to do, shouted loudly at him to stop; too late! He'd already hurled the hat far, far across the river, and even as Wanda's escape route was guaranteed, she saw him being locked down by red soldiers.

The last image she had of Pyro was of him smiling forlornly at her as the Knave caught up with him.

* * *

**Oh so sweet! Wanda and Pyro, sitting in a- eh? Am I dead? **

'Well, I just struck you with lightning, so it's questionable…' Wanda stared at the authoress. 'Maybe I should burn you at the stake just to be sure-'

**DID SOMEONE SAY BURN? **

'Oh, crap.'

* * *

It seemed an awfully long journey to the other side, but maybe that was because she was plain worried about Pyro's uncertain fate.

When she finally touched down upon the opposite riverbank, it was dusk. There was no way she could make it to 'Mamoreal' in time, so she decided to hide under the hat and sleep in it for the night. It made a pretty good makeshift shelter, anyway.

When she woke up in the morning, though, she'd receive one heck of a surprise.

Having broken free of his 'masters', Hellion had been sniffing around the area, and when he found the hat, he lifted it up to reveal the sleeping girl inside.

'Don't be afraid, I'm an ally,' he said hurriedly, when she woke up and screamed at the sight of him.

'You were supposed to lead them away, Pyro trusted you!'

He looked taken aback. 'They have my wife and pups. I did my best.'

'What is your name?'

'Hellion.'

'Sit!'

* * *

**'And bring me some scones with jam while you're at it! Don't forget the sporks, either!'**

* * *

He obediently sat down. 'Would your name happen to be Wanda, by any chance?'

'Yes, but I'm certainly not the one they've been talking about.'

'Pyro would not give himself up for just any Wanda.'

'Where did they take him?'

'To the Red Queen's castle in Salazen Grum.'

Wanda furrowed her brow. 'We must go and rescue him.'

'That is not foretold in the Oraculum.'

'I don't care anymore! He wouldn't be there if it weren't for me!'

'The Frabjous Day is almost upon us. You must prepare to kill the Jabbrwocky.'

'From the moment I fell down that rabbit hole and started this whole adventure, I've been told where I _must_ go and who I _must_ be. I've been shrunk, stretched, scratched, and stuffed into a bloody teapot. I've been accused of being Wanda and of not being Wanda but this is _my _dream. I will decide where it goes from here.'

'If you diverge from the path…'

'_I_ make the path, I'm sure of it. I'll go to the castle and rescue Hatter and the others. It's my fault they're all stuck in that hell, and I must do something about it.'

Hellion nodded. 'I shall take you there, then. But be warned: you might find that you cannot keep your sanity in that place of ruin and destruction.'

With that said, Hellion let her get onto his back, picked the hat up in his mouth, and began his run.

* * *

**I hit 3500 words o.o And the amazing thing is, the whole chapter was written in school... **

**Review if you want a cookie C:**


	6. Chapter 5- Hat and Hatter

**Chapter 5- Hat and Hatter**

**Sporks:**

**Kitty manages to give anyone mental breakdowns. **

**We're torturing all three, and I'm throwing in Kurt too, just for fun. A good ol' bit of pain ought to clear their heads up and send Duncan screaming. Sounds good, yes?**

**You may invite all the people you want to, Ed! Call your great-grandfather here if you want to! PARTY AT ONE OF REMY'S MANY MANY MANY HOUSES!**

**Remy: wait, what? NO! You'll destroy it!**

**(Remy's mouth is covered with duct tape and shoved off a cliff, but I have faith in his ability to come back from the dead)**

**Jean, don't try to kill Sporks. She is under my protection, and you already saw what happens when you tried to kill me. Along with Wanda, Rogue and Deadpool. I LIVE FOREVER :D**

**What- Ravager? Oh yes, Eddie, do bring her. She's cool! And one hot babe too. (Yes, I'm a straight girl =w=) You have good taste, bro. Just… Make sure she doesn't kill anyone, kay? Wouldn't want to waste my energy and resources on voodoo spells to resurrect any unfortunate soul. Chicken blood doesn't come cheap nowadays, sigh.**

**Note to everyone else: May not be updating soon, I've got this frigging camp for four days… No Internet access.**

* * *

As they approached the hideous structure Jean called her home, Wanda began to see why they called her the Insane Red Queen/Bloody Big Head.

Her castle was red all over, making it look like it had been splattered with blood. There were twisted spires that looked like giant drills, albeit ones that had blood on them. Decorations shaped like hearts were scattered around the fortress, and the bushes in the royal garden were actually cut in the shape of the queen's gigantic head.

* * *

'No more jokes about the head!' snapped Jean. 'Or I'll cut yours off!'

* * *

There was a moat defending the castle… And it was filled with severed heads. They had expressions of extreme horror, like they'd seen something heart-stopping right before they'd died.

Hellion nodded towards the waters of blood and slime. 'That's the only way in, unfortunately. I must go- Essex already knows I've turned traitor, and I cannot stay. I need to report back to the White Queen that the true Wanda has returned to Underland.'

He went off, and Wanda got ready to face the dreaded moat.

She stepped carefully out onto one of the shriveled heads, clambering over each and every one of them to reach dry land. It disgusted her greatly, but she would do everything she could to break Pyro free.

Hellion had helpfully thrown the hat over too, but it overshot and landed in Red's garden. Wanda broke through a gap in the thorny hedge and emerged in a grass labyrinth. Across the field, the queen and her courtiers were playing croquet- with their prisoners serving as the balls, mallets and et cetera.

'Sorry!' Rogue hissed as Jean used her to whack a hedgehog far across the court. The audience clapped, and some called out, 'That was a great shot!' in a vain attempt to get into the queen's good books (for fear of having their heads randomly taken off and placed on a wall, for the Queen was prone to such fits often).

The pitiful hedgehog landed right beside Wanda, and as it rolled nearer, she saw that its hands and feet were tightly- too tightly- bound together with rough rope. It already had rope burns all over its wrists, and Wanda felt terribly sorry for it. Then came anger- Jean deserved to have her darling Jabberwocky slain and her throne usurped from her as she'd done to the White Queen.

Wanda tried her best to loosen the binding, but the hedgehog squeaked frantically. It had been treated so badly, it was now afraid of all humans- and worse still, it was only a baby. 'Hush, I'm trying to help you!' she consoled it.

When the hedgehog hadn't returned after a long time, Jean called to her brand-new page to retrieve it. 'Beast, hurry up. You like your head where it is, don't you?'

'Perfectly well,' he muttered, and ran off to find the missing beastie.

What he hadn't expected was Wanda there, too. 'What do you think you're doing?' he gasped in horror. 'The queen's going to murder you!'

'I have a plan.'

* * *

**'I'm going to recruit NyanCat and murder them all with rainbows and poptarts.'**

* * *

No, actually, she didn't.

'Do you still have some of that cake which made me grow before?'

'Upelkuchen? Yes, I just so happen to have a slice.' He took it out from his pocket and handed it to her, and she promptly gobbled it down.

'No- not the whole thing!' Beast tried to stop her, but it was too late. Wanda was growing at an alarming rate, and soon she'd ripped her dress open again.

Now, her head towered far over the hedge separating her from the Red Queen, and her face was in clear sight of Jean.

'And what is this?' squawked Jean, gaping at the now-enormous Wanda.

* * *

**A FREAKING POTATO MUFFIN!**

* * *

'It's a who, majesty,' said Beast, dragging the fallen hedgehog with him. 'This is, um…'

'Um?'

'From Umbridge,' Wanda said quickly, seeing a way out of the sticky situation.

'What happened to your clothes?'

'I outgrew them,' sighed Wanda sadly, trying to garner as much sympathy as possible. 'I've been growing far too much lately. I tower over everyone in Umbridge, and they always mock me. So I've come to you, hoping you might understand what it's like.'

'My dear girl,' Jean replied, looking rather pleased, 'Anyone with a head that large is welcome in my court. Someone find her some clothes! Use the curtains if you must, but clothe this enormous girl!'

And that was how Wanda came to join Jean's crazy court.

Later on, as she sat by Jean's side in a scarlet dress (though she rather preferred her old blue frock), she witnessed more of Jean's insanity and cruelty.

First of all, when Jean wanted something to rest her feet on, she called for a pig. A live, warm pig that squealed in pain as Jean dug her heels into it.

'Ah, a pig is certainly good for my feet's health. Want one, Um?'

'No thanks,' Wanda muttered, glaring daggers at the queen.

'Leave!' Jean roared, and everyone vacated the room immediately.

'I captured some fat boys recently, and _oh_, they do entertain me so. I wonder where they are? FAT BOYS!'

Lance and Duncan emerged from behind a pillar, looking scared.

'Ah, there they are. Speak! Speak, fat boys, and amuse us!'

* * *

**I love how Duncan is one of them and Jean is treating him like rubbish. That's the way it should be. Duncan you jerk!**

* * *

They caught sight of Wanda, and their eyes widened- but she shook her head ever the tiniest bit and looked away when Jean glanced over. Lance and Duncan got the message, and pretended that they didn't know Wanda, for fear of exposing her.

'I don't think we should-' Lance started.

'Ah, but maybe we should-'

'That is to say, you think perhaps we should, but I feel that we shouldn't-'

'But maybe I could convince you to think we should, and then-'

'Shut up!' shouted Jean happily, amidst fits of sadistic giggles. 'Leave us!'

Then the doors opened to admit Essex, who practically strutted in with his sword hanging by his side.

'Pray tell, who is this lovely creature?' He asked, looking at Wanda.

* * *

'Touch her,' said Pyro with a sweet smile, 'And you die.'

* * *

'My new favourite, Um,' replied Jean without even turning to look at Essex.

'I believe you've forgotten her name, my dear.'

'Her name is Um, IDIOT!'

* * *

**Ahahaha! You go, Jean!**

* * *

'Very well then…' Essex retreated, looking slightly alarmed. 'Madame, we have captured a prisoner whom I believe will be of significant importance to you.'

A bunch of spades dragged a shackled and chained Pyro in. Wanda was glad to see that he looked healthy, albeit a little… unhinged.

* * *

Pyro looked very puzzled.

'Aren't I always unhinged? Or has my whole life… Been a lie? Ahh!'

* * *

'The hatter, the one who's been a pain in our necks far too long for his own good!' Essex shouted. 'We believe that he knows the location of the one you seek- but he will not fold even under our torture.'

* * *

At the word 'torture', Wanda grimaced as she glared at Essex, and the people sitting next to her edged away slightly for fear of stray hex bolts permanently disfiguring their faces.

* * *

Jean screamed her next words. '_Where is Wanda? SPEAK!'_

Pyro slowly raised his head with a beaming smile on his face.

'I'm thinking of words that begin with the letter M. Mutiny, madness, malicious… Moron.'

'We're looking for a W word now,' barked Jean. 'Where is Wanda?'

'No clue,' replied Pyro cheerfully.

'Off with your head,' sneered Jean, but Pyro only continued to smile and disregard his imminent doom.

'Speaking of heads, that's a regrettably large one you have there.'

He stood up, and the circle of soldiers around him readied their spears, just in case.

'I used to hat the White Queen, you know. But, oh, that poor dear. Her head was so small!'

That caught Jean's attention alright.

'It's tiny. It's a pimple of a head!'

'Ahahahaha!' Pyro began to chuckle, and chuckle, and chuckle…

'Stop that!' said Jean harshly, and Pyro stopped immediately.

'Show me what you can do,' Jean commanded him, obviously interested in his work now.

Perhaps that was not a good phrasing to use. The next moment, the whole room was roasting in some of Pyro's finest, fiery creations.

The oblivious queen waved to her soldiers to release Pyro, who rubbed his aching wrists and stood up, near freedom.

'Shoo, and make sure you present some quality work to me!'

'Very well, then. Shall it be a bonnet or a boater?Or something for the boduoir? Cloche, dunce hat, death cap, coif, snood, barboosh, pugree, yarmulke, cockle-hat, porkpie, tam-o'-shanter, billycock, bicorn, tricorn, bandeau, bongrace, fan-tail, nightcap, garibaldi, fez… So many possibilities!'

As soon as Wanda was dismissed by her new queen, she rushed to the gardens where she'd last seen Pyro's hat. There it was, lying among the grass blades, still intact albeit a bit gritty. She brushed the dust off and ran back into the castle, hoping to have an opportunity to return it.

At the same time, Hellion had been charging towards Mamoreal, and had luckily not met with any ambush along the way.

Even from a distance, he could clearly see the queen and her followers having an early morning stroll among the white sakura trees.

'Your Majesty, the trees seem sad.'

'Have you been talking to them?' Emma Frost asked.

* * *

'You!' barked Jean, standing up and having a face-off with the literal White Queen.

'Me,' replied Frost coolly, and tension crackled in the air. The unfortunate Scott just so happened to be sitting between them, and Jean moved towards him protectively.

**_Catfight! _****I'll get the popcorn, Remy you're in charge of drinks. Logan shall be damage control, for I presume that these two shall inflict heavy injuries upon each other in the course of battle.**

'Shut it!' said Jean and Emma at the same time.

* * *

'Yes, my queen.'

'Perhaps a little more… Gently? That should do the trick.' Then she spotted Hellion bounding up the path between the snowy white bushes, and quickly dismissed her people.

'You've returned!' she exclaimed in glee.

Panting, he explained quickly, 'So has Wanda, but… she's at Jean's castle.'

Seeing the semi-disappointed look on his monarch's face, he bowed his head. 'I am sorry, my queen. I tried, but Wanda is just as stubborn as she was all those years ago. She is determined to rescue her friends and find the Vorpal Blade.'

She patted his head in a consoling manner. 'It's alright. You did well, my pet. Now return to my fort and have a rest. Soon… You'll need it.'

She gazed into the horizon, looking-

* * *

**Like an idiot for gazing into the horizon absently while Jean is undoubtedly killing people somewhere.**

* * *

-worried.

'We're about to be at war here, Hellion…'

* * *

While this scene was going on, Wanda had been exploring the grounds a bit, hoping to find some clue to the Vorpal Blade. According to Beast- whom she'd secretly met when Jean was busy with some executions- the weapon was hidden deep in Logan's lair. He was the sole guardian of it, and Jean trusted him to do his job. That didn't bode well for Wanda- she had no idea how she was supposed to bypass a threat like that.

As she walked around, her arm injury seemed to be getting worse. It was constantly leaking fresh blood, and the burning pain was increasing.

Nevertheless, she carried on, hoping to at least find the monster before the sun set. It was already getting dark, and most people were already holed up in their bedrooms, locking their doors and hiding from Jean's tyranny that seemed to be constantly hanging over the land.

There was a heavy iron gate in a corner of the fort, which sealed the entrance to a large and imposing cavern. Suspicious splatters of blood scarred the ground around it, and she could see even more of the sticky red substance inside the cave. Talk about nightmares and a realm of madness, huh?

As she carefully went up to it- praying that she was downwind so that Logan would not catch her scent like the predator that he was-, she heard a rather heart-stopping sound coming from the interior. It was a growl of low timbre, long and hair-raising.

Jean had chosen her bodyguards and defenders most excellently.

But just as she thought her courage might fail her, Pyro's words rang in her head again.

'No, I've still got my muchness,' she said in defiance. Wanda raised the drawgate and went in.

The dungeon stank of rotting flesh; the smell of death was everywhere. It was way too dark, and the lone torch burning weakly did nothing for her spirits. Her heart beating too fast, she proceeded, almost trembling.

A scream was nearly torn from her throat when Logan suddenly launched himself at her, straining against his chain, which looked as though it was going to break free from the brick wall any moment.

His breath was on her neck, and she curled her hands into fists, wishing she had a weapon right then.

* * *

**Nah… You're a pretty good weapon yourself, Wands. Remember when you high-fived me and nearly wiped me from existence? Have faith in your lethal and maniacally uncontrollable powers!**

'I should probably high-five _certain people _more often, then,' said Wanda.

'Like me?' asked Toad hopefully. Yes, _hopefully._

'Ahh! What the whoa are you doing here, huh? Get out before I, I wipe you from existence or something equally bad!'

Toad got down on one knee.

'Don't you dare!'

He held a wilted rose out.

'I will stab you with a spork!'

Toad's plea of 'marry me!' was cut off when a unicorn of fire speared him on its sharp, gleaming (if flames could gleam) horn and threw him out of the room.

**Close the door, if you please, Pyro.**

The unicorn helpfully shut the door and locked it, melting the sides in so that Toad could not get back in.

**Thank you.**

* * *

A weapon… Like a Vorpal Blade?

She made her way deeper into the cave, keeping along the wall so the hideous creature could not claw her as much as it tried.

* * *

**You're not hideous, Logan.**

'I'm not sure whether to thank you or ignore you and go back to warding off my headache with this vodka.'

**You're not hideous, you're ****_atrociously _****hideous. There- thought that would sound funnier. That drink of yours is gasoline, by the way.**

Logan spluttered the contents of that whole glass across the room.

**Firstly, ew. I'm not cleaning that up! Secondly, I was just kidding. It's actually vodka, extorted from Remy's private store of alcohol. Enjoy!**

* * *

There was a chest hidden in the deepest, darkest, stinkiest corner of Logan's home. She practically crawled to it and tried to force her way through the strong lock attached to it.

The world before Wanda's eyes was dissolving, her wounded arm on fire. She couldn't think, and the pain was slowly becoming numbness. That wasn't good. She couldn't fall asleep _there_- she had to stay awake, to open the chest and…

What was she supposed to do again?

Her last thought, before she fell unconscious, was for Pyro's safety and well-being.

_You'd better survive, or I'll kill you myself._

* * *

**Don't worry about our lovable maniac. He's loony, as always. **

'You're very welcome,' said Pyro primly.


	7. Chapter 6- Breakaway

**Chapter 6- Breakaway**

**A/N: I'M BACK FROM CAMP! A hot shower has never felt so good.**

**Sporks:**

**Remy: I can think of many interesting uses for whipped cream…**

**Shut it and get your sick mind out of here! –shoves Gambit off a cliff- HOPE YOU SURVIVE THE TRIP :D have fun being dashed to pieces against the rocks!**

**Jubes: Sporks is under your protection? Mitch, you're like a knight in shining armor…**

**Meet my friend Jubes. She's very annoying, I assure you. And I'd much rather be a rogue pirate sailing the seven seas and robbing towns everyday. **

**Emma, poofing gracefully from place to place while daintily holding her hands at shoulder level… Right, funny mental image. Jean seems to find it amusing too.**

**Uh yeah, remember to screw up Remy's house :) And laugh while his father pops a vein… You can try ripping apart some of the paintings, it's a great way to relieve stress.**

**Aww it's okay I love you too, wanna go on a date? I'll bring the Nerf guns you provide the firecrackers. **

**(I'm kidding O_O)**

* * *

In the morning- she'd managed to survive until then? How?-, when the sun's white rays peeked through the tiny windows in Logan's lair, she blearily opened her eyes. Her head was resting on the locked box, and her arm was still as bad as before. If anything, it was actually worse- she could feel it begin to get severely infected.

* * *

**Achievement Unlocked- survive a night with the atrociously hideous Bandersnatch, Logan.**

* * *

It was hopeless, she thought, closing her eyes and wishing the pain would just go away. She was about to die there.

Then her foggy mind had one moment of crystal-clear thought, and she _remembered. _

Wanda was an intelligent girl, and she'd had a plan all along. The fear and exhaustion from last night had just wiped it from her mind, but now she remembered.

Before she left the castle on that dangerous expedition, she'd asked Kurt for Logan's eyeball, which apparently he'd kept with him, just in case.

* * *

Kurt stood up. 'For future reference, I usually do not go around collecting and keeping eyeballs of my slain enemies.'

* * *

Wanda retrieved it from the pocket of her dress and held it out to Logan. The key attached to the string around his neck dangled temptingly in front of her face, but she mustered her patience and forced herself to wait just a few more moments.

He snatched his eye from her hand, and while he was busy trying to stick it back into his empty eye socket, she quickly swiped the key and opened the chest.

Her fingers trembled badly like she was tipsy, causing the little metal key to slip several times. Wanda swore, wildly jamming it in and twisting it. The top of the box suddenly popped open, and inside the satin coverings lay a sword.

She didn't know what she was expecting it to look like, but as she lifted the blade out of its casing, it seemed so familiar to her. It seemed to vibrate in her hand, eager for some fresh blood to decorate it.

A sharp snarl was the only warning she had before Logan threw himself at her. She actually screamed this time, convinced she was going to be his next meal. And all before she'd even gotten a chance to tell Pyro-

That train of thought was rapidly interrupted when Logan started to lick the opening in her flesh. At first, she thought about ripping a hole in his hide with her new, shiny sword, but then she saw that her wounds were closing and the pain beginning to fade away.

He'd restored her health after she'd returned him his eye, as a token of… friendship? She couldn't tell, and she wasn't going to take risks, but at least now she knew they had an uneasy alliance.

She slipped the Sword into the folds of her skirt, and ran back to the castle. Hopefully Jean hadn't noticed her absence.

* * *

Jean surely hadn't, because she'd been otherwise occupied during the night.

Thunder was rolling, forks of lightning were flashing, and it was a dark and stormy night- the basic and very cliché background for most horror films.

Most people's attention would've been drawn to Jean's moat of heads, though. The grotesque expressions of her victims were made even more terrifying against the gloomy backdrop.

She was looking at one person in particular.

He was supposed to be hers, but he'd too, proved helpless against her insanity.

'I had to do it,' she whispered, hearing Essex walk into the room.

'They would have risen against me, if it weren't for my darling Jabberwocky. They would have all gone and joined my dear sister. Oh, Emma… She could make anyone fall in love with her. Even the furniture, the plants, the animals.'

* * *

'Yeah, it's called telepathic cheating,' snapped Jean.

Emma shrugged delicately (how on earth does one shrug delicately?). 'Perhaps you should try it, girl scout. It really is rather fun sometimes, and will get you much farther in life than being a good girl and following the rules.'

* * *

'It was only by killing the rebels and enslaving the rest that I ensured their loyalty. I just had to kill everyone.'

'Even the King?' he asked.

Scott's head bobbed up and down in the water, the rhythmic motion strangely depressing.

'He would have left me,' was all Jean could say, as she leaned against her Knave for support. Her eyes were glassy, and not for the first time, Essex wondered if she'd ever been mentally healthy. 'Is it not better to be feared than to be loved?' he asked her.

'At least I have you,' she tried for a feeble smile, throwing her arms around him.

* * *

'I don't like this story,' Scott said quietly.

* * *

Essex rolled his eyes when she couldn't see him.

Unbeknownst to the both of them, Beast had been sneaking into the room, and was hiding behind a pillar while observing the odd occurrences.

The Oraculum had been casually left on the table by Jean, believing to her security was tight enough that nobody could steal it. After all… Who'd dare go against her, right?

Unfortunately for Jean, stealing the precious artifact was just what Beast had in mind.

She was too busy pouring her heart out to the Knave. Poor girl, honestly- if only she'd been treated a little better when she was a child, then maybe she wouldn't have turned out this way. But alas, it was too late for 'ifs' and 'maybes'. Jean had to be defeated, and Wanda was the only one who could accomplish that.

It was so easy. All he did was reach up, grab his objective, and run like hell itself was chasing him out of there. Once in the hallway, he glanced around suspiciously, before popping into a safe nook and hiding there. The Oraculum could not be lost again.

This had happened the previous night, and now it was morning. Wanda, with her new sword, was walking through the corridor, trying to decide on the next step of her plan to override the Queen's suppressive rule.

When, all of a sudden, Essex threw himself at her too.

* * *

'I told you so,' Pyro shouted while strangling a choking Essex. 'Touch her and you _dieeeeeeee.'_

* * *

'I think I rather like you, Um.'

* * *

**Excuse me while I barf up my dinner in a wastebasket.**

* * *

'I like… largeness.'

'Get away from me, you absolute creep!' she yelled while slapping him.

* * *

Wanda actually grabbed a vase (jadeite, decorated, very pretty, priceless- Remy wasn't very happy when it was destroyed) and tried to crack it open on Essex's head. She'd have succeeded too if he hadn't leapt out of the window like his coattails were on fire.

'I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL KILL YOU!' she screamed, accidentally causing several chairs to be set on fire and explode. Oh wait, no, that was Pyro's job. He'd sent a whole inferno of fiery creatures after the rapidly fleeing Mister Sinister. Chimeras, krakens, medusas, tribal pixies wielding bloody battleaxes and hollering war-cries… You just had to admire the guy's creativity.

(Meanwhile, thanks to the sudden increase of chaos magic on Earth, it started snowing in the Sahara)

* * *

He stumbled backwards, appalled that she'd actually had the _nerve _to humiliate _him-_ but before he could run her through with his sword or something equally fun, she'd ran away.

What neither of them had noticed was the shadowy figure lurking nearby. Once she'd seen the scene, she hurried away to report to her master.

Pyro was busy hatting Jean in her throne room. Being the picky chooser that she was, and determined to have a perfect hat, she denied everything she was made.

'That looks so perfect on you, your majesty,' whispered one of her simpering servants, evidently struck breathless by Jean's beauty, or something like that. (Ha.)

'It is worth noting, fool, that I _am _perfect and therefore anything would look perfect on me.'

Pyro disguised his snort with a forced cough.

'But, no. This hat is terrifyingly ugly,' she said, examining her appearance in her mirror. 'Take it away!'

One of Jean's slaves- ahem-, met with a mishap: her fake nose fell off, and she hurriedly jammed it back on when Pyro whispered to her that 'I don't wish to alarm you, but it smells as though you've dropped something.'

She nodded at the floor, refusing to look at him, as if he'd give her away to a still-distracted Jean. You see, all of her followers were actually faking their ugliness, be it with fake fat or extra limbs. They knew that if they weren't as unattractive as her, their heads would be the next ones to be mounted on her wall.

* * *

Scott ruffled Jean's hair lovingly. '_I _find you attractive.'

**SPORKS OUR PLAN IS WORKING- ow ow ow owwww**

Several teapots narrowly missed the authoress, while she watched them fly and blandly said 'ow' each time one passed by. 'I can't believe this,' raged Jean. 'My aim isn't _that _bad!'

* * *

Tabitha, who'd seen Essex and Wanda earlier, rushed into the room and whispered the news into Jean's ear. Jean's face became red instantly as she stood back and threw her chair out of the window.

Everyone left, not willing to sit through yet another power tantrum. Pyro, sulking at the epic rejections, retreated to his room.

Essex, the very unfortunate Knave, walked into the room right then. As soon as Jean saw him, she ran over with another chair in hand and hurled that one at him.

* * *

Scott, beaming, announced that he was suddenly interested in the story again.

* * *

'My beloved, I can explain-'

'Rubbish! I will kill you!'

'She threw herself at me, madame, I had nothing to do with it! I tried to resist! You _know _my heart belongs to you…'

Silver tongue, indeed. Jean still looked as though she'd like to throw some more things, but she relented.

'Go and find Um,' Jean said. 'Bring her head back to me. There's a large spot on the wall that would be perfect for her.'

'Pyro!' Wanda cried, stepping into his room. 'I found the sword and, look, my arm-'

He was hunched over his table, head bent, not moving.

The hats were stacked three high around him, but not even the sight of his own work seemed to cheer him up.

'I'm not at all interested in that Essex, if that makes you feel happier,' Wanda said softly.

* * *

**My feels… This is so sweet ;_; MATCHMAKING TIME! Uhh. You didn't hear that, Wanda…**

* * *

As she approached cautiously, he suddenly stood up and began trashing his workshop.

He threw his creations everywhere, fraying them, ripping them to pieces. The ribbons of one came undone, and he crushed another with a heavy metal tool.

'Pyro!' she screamed at him, just as Kurt had done earlier during another one of his fits. This, however, was something much worse- a manifestation of something dark within Pyro's psyche.

'I-I can't do this anymore.'

She caught him, hats and all, just before he hit the ground. The vague, wandering look he had scared her more than anything.

He was behaving like a small child. It registered in her mind how vulnerable he was then- she cupped his face gently, staring into his eyes.

'Tell me,' he said to her, voice nearly inaudible: 'Am I mad?'

'I'm afraid so,' she replied.

'You've gone utterly bonkers, nuts, crazy, completely and wholeheartedly insane.

'But I'll let you in on a secret- all of the _best _people out there are like that. Trust me. There's nothing wrong with you.'

* * *

Wanda casually added, 'Except for the fact that you're mad enough to think I'd agree to go out on a date with you.'

**But you are! Look at what you just told him! You two are perfect for each other!**

'Shut up!'

* * *

A grin slowly appeared on Pyro's face. Wanda gave him back his hat, which he set jauntily back on his head.

'Much better,' she murmured, nodding at his bright and happy expression. Had she missed the sight of that hat perched atop his orange locks!

The joyous and somewhat sappy moment was interrupted when Essex ripped the doors off their hinges, and stormed into the room with a whole squadron of cards. His eyes blazed with fury upon seeing Wanda, and he pointed his razor-sharp sword at her. 'Arrest that girl for unlawful seduction!'

Pyro reacted immediately, stepping in front of Wanda protectively while grabbing a teapot off a nearby counter.

* * *

**Why do I have the feeling that his teapot will win against the sword?**

'Why do I have the feeling that I _want _the teapot to win against that damn sword?' countered Wanda, once again glaring at the window through which Essex had made his timely escape.

* * *

Kurt and Beast had joined the chaos, poking their heads in through the doorway to see what was going on. At the sight of the sword tip approaching Pyro's throat, Kurt instinctively shouted out to Wanda, 'Run, Wanda! Run!'

Essex froze just as Kurt did.

'Wanda…? You're-' His eyes landed upon the shiny blade she was holding, and he knew. In that split, terrifying second, he _knew_.

And she was in great danger.

Beast gave him no time to voice his sudden discovery, joining Pyro in fending off the soldiers and one very angry Knave while Wanda ran. She didn't like the feeling of leaving Pyro and the others behind again, but she also knew she had to put the safety of Underland first, and must get to Mamoreal somehow.

The whole place was in disarray, giving her somewhat safe passage through the castle, but as soon as she emerged in the open courtyard, dozens of fierce cards surrounded her with their spears and various other weapons.

'You thought,' panted Essex, running up behind her, 'that you could just get away? With the Vorpal Sword?'

* * *

Wanda sat up a little straighter. 'Seeing that I've kicked your butt already, why not? I'd like to see you try and stop me!'

* * *

The anger he felt was evident in his tone, and those hard eyes made her feel just a little bit frightened. What chance did she have against the whole red army?

'Well, why not?' she taunted him.

He bared his sharp teeth, unsheathing his sword again. 'I'll kill you myself, you little-'

The loud roar they heard drowned out his words, and the shocked card guards stepped back as Logan came thundering forward out of nowhere. Another roar tumbled out of his mouth as he headed straight for Wanda, and she understood his meaning.

As he ran past, brutally running over a lot of cards, she grabbed his fur and hopped on. Just before they got the heck out of Dodge, she caught sight of Essex's expression. It was part astonished, part vengeful, and overall hilarious to see.

_Aww yeah. Eat my dust, Knave._

Logan seemed to know where he was going, but Wanda didn't. 'Mamoreal!' she yelled to him, the wind tearing away her words. She just hoped he'd be able to understand- he seemed smart enough, albeit a little animalistic.

The blood-soaked soils slowly gave way to prim, packed roads, and the shaggy trees lining the paths metamorphosed into prettier fruit trees bearing golden apples.

It was quite far to Mamoreal, but with Logan's powerful speed, they managed to get there just before the sun set.

Emma's white palace was so drastically different from her sister's. It was, for one thing, white. (In case you hadn't realized that yet.) There was a sort of majestic, elegant aura to it, nothing like the rough power that Jean's home emanated. While the latter stank of murder and war, Emma's sanctuary spoke of beauty and peace.

* * *

'Very poetic, huh, authoress?' asked Jean.

**Well, I was going to say that your castle stinks of Logan, but this sounded better.**

* * *

Almost as if Emma had telepathy, she was waiting at the glowing silver gates for Wanda and Logan. As soon as Wanda alighted from her helpful ride, several cleanly-dressed soldiers rushed up to lead Logan away. Maybe to some sort of extra-large royal stables.

The queen had the same sort of air as her castle- pretty, silvery-beautiful, albeit a bit derpy. Wanda noticed that Emma kept her hands above shoulder length at all times, and her walk was more of a float.

'Welcome,' she said with a dreamy smile.

* * *

**I just- I cannot- oh my God, Emma? _Dreamy?_ This is just _gold. _**

'Is that a video recorder you're holding?!' gasped Emma, lunging for said object.

**Can't catch me, na na na! **


End file.
